#325 from Innovative Leader Volume 7, Number 2          February 1998

5 Steps to Reduce Conflict at Work 
by Margot Robinson

Ms. Robinson is a member of the American Society for Training and Development and the National Speakers Association.  She has published Egos & Eggshells (Stanton & Harper, Greensboro, NC, 1993).  She can be reached by phone at (336) 951-1234 or by email at pathways@vnet.net. www.mrobinson.com

Conflict is in everyone's life. But it’s very hard to work in an environment where conflict exists. First of all, you’re not very excited to get out of bed in the morning and go to work.  Second, unresolved conflict can cause health problems do to stress.

So what can you do about it? Re-think how you handle conflict. It might be difficult to implement at first, but if you and your co-workers practice the following five steps, you’ll enjoy work more by minimizing destructive conflict.

Step One: Honor the diversity of others' opinions. Most people have a different opinion than yours. What tends to happen is we seek out only those who have the same opinion as we do. Then we create "group think." That means that the same thing happens again and again. If we can look at situations with a different eye, we not only grow and stretch but our service/product improves.

Step Two: Avoid put-downs, blaming others and labeling. There’s no such thing as a perfect person. We all make mistakes. But what happens when we do make mistakes is we learn from them and move on. If we are put down for our mistakes and made to look stupid in the eyes of others, we get very angry. That creates a good breeding ground for conflict.

Have you ever thought that when we put someone else down we are trying to make ourselves look better? Most people with low self-esteem do this frequently. In the long run we are the ones who won't look good. So put-downs, blaming and labeling only make things worse.

Step Three: Listen until the other person is finished. Listening is a skill that we all need to develop. Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, says we listen not to understand but to answer. In a conflict situation, we only want to be heard. We don't care how the other person thinks. It is the "me" who we think is the most important. Conflicts can be resolved faster if both parties listen to the other person.

Step Four: When communicating in a conflict situation, use "I" statements like "I think....I feel.....I need." When we use "you" statements, we put the other party on the defense.  Each person in a conflict situation needs to own their feelings and opinions and let other people speak for themselves. When we get upset, we have a tendency to say something like, "You make me so mad!" or "You don't know what you are doing." If a conflict situation gets out of hand, usually someone is on the defense. Become aware of the messages that are being given.

When listening, try to hear all the messages from your heart. Listening from the heart creates compassion and will soften any conflict. Saying something like "Bless your heart" verbally or non-verbally will make a conflict situation lessen.

Step Five: Give yourself permission to state your needs. No one is a mind reader. I hear over and over from unhappy employees, "Well he should have known what I wanted!" Well, he probably can’t read your mind! Only you can tell him what’s on your mind.

If your normal style is a talker, during conflict you’ll naturally talk faster and put a lot of more emotion in the words being spoken. Why not invite that other person to speak? Listen to what their thoughts and needs are. If your normal style is to be more quiet, take a risk and let the other party know what your ideas are. This will build trust that will help each of you come to a resolution faster.

Conflict is here to stay. It will never go away. Carl Jung once wrote, "All the greatest and

most important problems of life are fundamentally unsolvable. They can never be solved, but only outgrown." If you can get a handle on how to reduce conflict situations, you’ll look forward to going to work, have less stress and produce more.