#454  from Innovative Leader Volume 9, Number 3          March 2000

Handling Criticism With Candor and Comfort
by Kare Anderson

Ms. Anderson, gut instincts expert from Sausalito, CA (kareand@aol.com), is author of Resolving Conflict Sooner (The Crossing Press, Freedom, California, 1999) and publisher of the free online Say it Better newsletter (www.sayitbetter.com).

Perhaps one of our most vulnerable of moments is when someone criticizes us. The scalpel of her comments can be surgically rapid and close to the bone. Yet, as the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill us can make us stronger." People are most revealing when offering praise or criticism. Praise indicates what they most like about themselves, and criticism often shows what they least like, or feel least competent about. So criticism is actually a two-way mirror. How can you respond to other's criticism with honesty and grace and actually gain new insights about yourself and the other person in the process?

You Are an Animal Under Attack

Whether you are with someone you love, hate, know little about or just met, in the first moments when you realize that you are being criticized you will react the same. Your heart beats faster, skin temperature goes down and you even lose peripheral vision. Because you feel under attack, your first instincts are to focus on that feeling, making it more intense. You will then feel like withdrawing or retaliating. Just remember that both instinctual responses are akin to saying, "I don't like your comments therefore I will give you more power." Attempt to do neither, as both fight or flight responses leave you with fewer options, not more.

When you focus on your feelings, you will be distracted from hearing the content of the comments. You are more likely to react, rather than choose how you want to act. Avoid a "face-off" in escalation of comments between the two of you. Instead, imagine a triangle of three entities: the other person, you and the topic of the criticism. Picture you both staring at the
criticism, the third point in the triangle, to work through the comments, rather than staring each other down.

Look to Their Positive Intent

You are your most disarming when you compliment someone for taking the time to give you feedback. You take the wind out of their sails. The other person may even backtrack. Yet our first instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are "less right." In responding to criticism, the momentum of defensive emotions builds fast. We focus on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about the dumb, thoughtless, and wrong things the other person is doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get more rigid, and listen less as the criticism continues.

Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and their best side as you respond to the criticism. You will probably be more generous and patient, and increase the chance that they will see areas where you may be right after all. Act as if they mean well, especially if it appears they don't. The more you can look to their positive intent, the greater the likelihood that you can respond appropriately.

"AAA" Approach to Responding to Criticism

Here's an easy-to-remember three-step process in responding to criticism. Remember it is never comfortable to hear negative comments about yourself or those close to you.

Step One: Acknowledge
Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both to cool off), nod, or verbally. Whether the criticism is justified or not, if you attempt to avoid discussing it, or jump into responding too fast, it will loom larger in everyone's mind and stick to you like flypaper, as you attempt to move on.

Don't disagree or counter-attack. Prove that you have heard the comment. Perhaps say, "I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have…." ). Avoid blaming or bad-labeling language such as, "That's a lie" or "You don't know what you are talking about." You will only pour hot coals on the heat of escalation and harden the person into their position.

Step Two: Ask for More
Ask for more information so you both can cool off and stay focused on the issue, rather than dwelling on hurt or resentful feelings or difficult personalities. Go slow to go faster later in reaching agreement about how to resolve the criticism. Try to warm up to the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward making the criticism. This makes it more likely that he will be receptive to your response, whether it is to agree or disagree.

Step Three: Add Your Own
Add your comments, asking permission first. If you believe the comments are accurate, then say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than later. Then say what you plan to do differently. Ask for his response and again thank him for being thoughtful in offering them. The sooner you verbally agree, if you find truth in the criticism, the more likely that you will engender respect from the other person and other witnesses of the interaction.

If, on the other hand, you disagree with the comments, say "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets the other person up to give you permission to state your view, as you have been willing to listen to theirs.

Here are some other ways to respond to criticism.

What Will Make it Better?

Ask them to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If they continue to complain or attack, acknowledge that you hear them and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language variations: "What will make it better?"

State your view and what you would like from them. If they disagree, then ask, "What would make this situation better for both of us?" Move the other person from a mode of criticizing to problem solving. If she or he continues to criticize, again in a calm voice acknowledge and ask more briefly: "I understand you have a concern and we disagree. What would make it better for us both?" If the other person continues on the downward track of criticism, say, "I want to find a way to resolve your concern. When do you want to talk about it?" Then you can remove yourself from the tone of that discussion and put the other person in the position of initiating follow up.

Presume Innocence

Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by pointing it out to them. Let them save face and keep asking questions until you lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that relate to the.." (then state the conflicting information). You might find out you were wrong, and thus you save face. Or, by continued non-threatening questions, you can softly corner the other person into self correcting, which protects your future relationship.

Demonstrate Goodwill

When criticized, you are more likely to find resolution sooner when the other person comes to trust your positive intent. Demonstrate your willingness to find a compromise and ability to be genial even (especially) if you don't like the person or the situation. Often the best solution to a
criticism leaves both parties a little unhappy but not enough to retaliate. You are both willing to move on.

Less is Often More

Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less. Keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chance that others will feel safer and more comfortable around you. Only then can they respond to the "content" of a disagreement.

Above all, in considering ways to respond to criticism, know that the two worst ways are to keep it festering inside and to make the other person feel ignored or made wrong.