#80 from R&D Innovator Volume 3, Number 2          February 1994

Managing Friends in the Organization
by Mortimer R. Feinberg, Ph.D.

Dr. Feinberg is chairman of BFS Psychological Associates, Inc., New York, New York.

In the R&D organization, as elsewhere, managers have personal friendships.  Unfortunately, if people aren't careful, such friendships can create headaches.  Although your friendships may be with fellow managers, other co-workers or associates, the most problematic ones are with employees in your department.  (For our purposes, I'll define a friend as someone you feel close to, someone you've invited to your home and with whom you regularly socialize away from work.)

The key problem is this:  You can't allow these friendships to cloud your judgment.  When dealing with work friends, you must be as cautious and deliberate as you would be dealing with anyone else.

If you have friendships in the workplace, and you're interested in smooth sailing, consider these guideposts:

Perception: The potential problems of having workplace friends may not stem from poor intentions or disloyalty, but from the perception of other workers and superiors: if they perceive that you show any form of favoritism for your friend, your career could suffer considerably.

Discretion.  Have you ever, in casual conversation, said something with larger ramifications at the company?  Even if you habitually distinguish personal from business conversations, sometimes you may reveal confidential information to a friend, something that could cause problems if it were repeated at the wrong moment or in the wrong company. 

Want to Bet Your Career?

Obviously, it's far better, in the first place, to avoid disclosing confidential business information during personal conversations.  But if you have divulged such information, even assuming that you trust your friend's discretion, is it smart to bet your career that your friend understands how sensitive the information is?  If you are even slightly concerned that your friend truly understands the situation, or has enough discretion, don't hesitate to issue a reminder (one should be enough).  After all, in the opposite situation, wouldn't you want to be reminded so you could avoid causing trouble for yourself and your friend?

Boundaries.  Friends often make suggestions to each other about work projects or career prospects, usually in a spirit of helpfulness and goodwill.  But when both parties work at the same company, things can get complicated.  A friend must learn to respect boundaries about the other's work or career.  Learn to notice signals when your opinion is welcome--and when you should stay mum, at least temporarily. 

This hard-to-call area can require great sensitivity.  Somebody may, for example, think he or she knows all the relevant details on a certain issue, even though there's much more to it (in case you wondered, I'm thinking about corporate politics).  In such a case, friends must give each other "permission" before offering or receiving sensitive information.

Advice and Perspective.  Even in the face of these cautions, it's still true that friends working in one company often have siamilar perspectives, valuable information, and good judgment to share.  It's logical for you to want to benefit from a friend's point of view, and vice versa.

And friends, far more than subordinates, should be able to give frank, honest assessments and serve as sounding boards.  Unlike staff members, who are likely to fear that you'll confuse the message with the messenger when they must deliver bad news, friends should be free to "call it like they see it."

Competitiveness.  Friends may be close and caring, but some are not above competing with one another.  Even friends who are outwardly supportive of a successful project or a good career move may feel envy inside.   People working in similar areas of a company must compete for a limited number of promotions and other prizes, and thus some competitiveness is inevitable; indeed, to some degree, competition is natural and healthy.  What isn't so healthy is allowing the competitiveness to linger and shift to resentment, which is likely to be expressed as pettiness and fault-finding.

I can't imagine a life without friends, but if I felt that I couldn't manage a close friendship with an employee, then I would avoid the relationship.  If you can appropriately manage these friendships, then you can enjoy the satisfaction of friendship combined with higher productivity.  It's not easy--you have to be sensitive to potential problems.